Why Pro Sports Have Not Embraced Reptile Mascots

In the third and final (for the moment) exploration into alternative Professional Team Naming Systems, I have discovered an here-to-fore unexplored solution: use reptile names.  These animals possess all of the innate characteristics of pro-sports team members: they are cold-blooded, dangerous, will kill you if given the chance, and are self-centered and single-minded in their approach to surviving by winning.  How much more could life imitate professional sports?

I believe these would be the best names for the various teams:

Atlanta Alligators

Baltimore Boa Constrictors

Boston Bushmasters

Charlotte Camans

Chicago Bullfrogs

Cincinnati Centipedes

Dallas Dimondbacks

Denver Pythons

Detroit Dragons

Houston House Geckos

Indianapolis Iguanas

Jacksonville Jackarundies

Kansas City Cobras

Los Angeles Lizards

Memphis Morays

Miami Mambas

Minnesota Mosquitos

New York Jewel Wasps (Jets)

New York Gila Monsters (Giants)

Oakland Snapping Turtles

Orlando Stingrays

Pittsburgh Pit Vipers

Portland Platypuses

San Francisco Garden Snakes

Seattle Salamanders

St. Louis Sidewinders

Tampa Bay Tiger Snakes

Washington Watersnakes

Suggested match-ups could include (with descriptions):

Dallas Dimondbacks vs. New York Jewel Wasps: 

           “Winner and loser both sparkle in this face-off!”

Baltimore Boa Constrictors vs. Denver Pythons: 

           “Boas Put The Squeeze on the Pythons!”

Headlines might read:

Memphis Morays vs. Miami Mambas: 

           “Morays Electric as they Dance the Mamba all over Miami”

San Francisco Garden Snakes vs. Pittsburgh Pit Vipers: 

           “SF Blooms Early, then Falls into the Pit”

Summary of Pro Sports Team Alternative Naming System

Whatever naming system is used, there is one thing we should all remember: “It’s just a game.”   

The Roman Gladiators went into the Coliseum with the lions to save their own lives, not to make a statement (other than “I would like to come out of this alive!”)  The pro athletes go onto the field and do it for the money.  Not to “make a statement” about whatever your personal heritage happens to be.  Don’t take it personally, whatever your ethnic background.  Take a tip from the reactions of the fish and insects and reptiles who were interviewed extensively: they just didn’t care whether the teams used them as mascots or not.  They just swam or jumped or crawled away and went about their business, leaving me with their non-verbal assessment of my research: a little white trail in the water, a couple of small brown marbles on the ground or a string of little black droppings marking their trail back to their hole under the kitchen sink.  

 NOTE: I actually think I did hear one interviewee say something like: 

           “Sticks and stones will break my bones … ” … but now I’m really not sure.

Why Pro Sports Have Not Embraced Insect Mascots

In the on-going saga of the formulation of an alternative Team Naming System, we continue our exploration of mascots other than ethnically-slanted and personally demeaning names.

Although the first attempt (to use aquatic creature names) went swimmingly, I have chosen to remain:

1. Unsatisfied with primary attempts; and,
2. Steadfast in my conviction that more satisfactory, and also more extraordinary substitutes exist.

This, the second, in-depth phase of this extensive exploration involves the substitution of insect creature's names for the various pro sports teams.  In a fashion similar to the manner in which aquatic creatures were tested for sensitivity to the use of their names as team mascots, I personally assessed the reaction of each of the beasts below.  At no time during the testing did any of them react to repeated, ear-splitting shouts of “Dump the Dung Beetles!” or “Go You Grasshoppers!”  or “Beat their butts you Bumble Bees!”  or “Washington Waterbugs are Wimps!”  In fact, as far as I could tell even the roaches, which have been around even longer than the Native Americans for whom some teams have been named in the past, never even lifted ONE of their many legs in a derisive gesture of dissatisfaction at any time during the testing. 

Therefore, I proceeded with the insect phase in the following manner.  Team names might include:

Atlanta Aphids

Baltimore Black Widows

Boston Bumble Bees

Charlotte Hornets (OK, that's what they already were)

Chicago Bull Ticks         

Cincinnati Caterpillars

Dallas Dung Beetles (a true cattle-country team)

Denver Deer Ticks

Detroit Dog Fleas

Houston Head Lice

Jacksonville Jumping Spiders

Kansas City Crickets

Los Angeles Angleworms

Memphis Millipedes

Miami Mexican Poppy Bugs

Minnesota MicroMites

New York Jelly Fire Bugs (Jets)

New York Grasshoppers (Giants)

Oakland Oven-cleaners (Roaches)

Orlando Opium Bugs

Pittsburgh Parasites

Portland Praying Mantises

San Francisco Fruit Flies

Seattle Silverfish

St. Louis Scorpions

Tampa Bay Termites

Washington Waterbugs

Headlines might read:

Boston Bumble Bees vs. Detroit Dog Fleas:
           “Fleas and Bees itching to buzz each other”

Baltimore Black Widows vs. St. Louis Scorpions:
           “Somebody’s going to get stung in this one”

Boston Bumble Bees vs. Detroit Dog Fleas:
           “Fleas Dog Boston as the Bees Bumble their chances”

Memphis Millipedes vs. Los Angeles Angleworms:
           “Memphis too Sure-footed for the Worms”

Portland Praying Mantises vs. San Francisco Fruit Flies:
           “Fruit Flies Eaten by Mantises”

? Have a favorite team ?  Comment on a potential headline ...

Why Pro Sports Have Not Embraced Aquatic Mascots

In view of the sensitivity of Native Americans (vis-à-vis teams such as the Cleveland Indians, Washington Redskins, etc.) and other cultural and ethnic groups, we endeavored to formulate an alternative Team Naming System. 

The first phase of this exploration involves the substitution of marine - aquatic creature's names for the various pro sports teams. 

Future discussions may focus on alternative names based on Bugs, Birds or Reptile Designations.  Our first cut is outlined below:

Atlanta Anchovies

Baltimore Blowfish

Boston Blennies

Charlotte Shad

Chicago Shiners

Cincinnati Sea Bass

Dallas Damselfish

Denver Pikes

Detroit Dogfish

Houston Halibuts

Jacksonville Jewfish

Kansas City Catfish

Los Angeles Lungfish

Memphis Mulletts

Miami Mudpuppies

Minnesota Mackerels

New York Jetsam

New York Needlefish

Oakland Opahs

Orlando Octopi

Pittsburgh Pufferfish

Portland Porgies

San Francisco Flotsam

Seattle Salmon

St. Louis Scrod

Tampa Bay Toadfish

Utah Urchins

Washington Wrasses

Sports Writers might then be covering, as examples, the following contests:

     Baltimore Blowfish vs. Pittsburgh Pufferfish

     San Francisco Flotsam vs. New York Jetsam 

Headlines might read something like these:

     Baltimore Blows the Puffers Out of the Water

     Flotsam Sinks the Jetsam

     The Toadfish Prove that Utah Players really are Urchins

     NY Needles the Scrod in all-out Upset

     LA Lungfish Breath a Sigh after Near Loss to the Blennies

     Kansas City Catfish vs. Detroit Dogfish: “Fur was Really Flyin'!”

     Portland Porgies vs. Boston Basses: “Classic, four overtimes”

     LA Ladyfish vs. Damselfish: “Prim & proper, played like gurls.”

     Cinci Sea Squirts vs. BAL Blowfish: "Squirts Conquer big Fish"

     Houston: "HOU Loses: Halibut Was They Blew 21-point Lead!"

     Dallas: "Dallas Looked Like Damsels in Distress!"

     Atlanta Anchovies: "Anchovies Go Sour in 4th Quarter"

     Detroit: "Dogs' Bark Worse Than Bite in 27-point Loss"

Player-trades could include:

     "Three Urchins Traded for Flotsam QB"

     St. Louis & Chicago: "Scrod Get Two Shiners from Chicago"

     NY Needlefish & Oakland Opahs: "Needlefish Stick it to the Opahs"

We are continuing the pursuit of additional naming conventions and will post those in the near future.

Genius, Stupidity and The Infinite

From a genius (Albert Einstein) about being (or not being) one:

"... you all know the difference between genius & stupidity:

there is a limit to genius."
                                          Ref: http://www.quotedb.com/quotes/3834

"Only two things are infinite, the universe & human stupidity, 
and I'm not sure about the former."
                               Ref: http://www.quotedb.com/quotes/1349

"It's too bad that stupidity is not painful."
                                 Ref: Anon.

Freudian Slip as Indicator of Change

I never, I mean never, during all the time I was in active practice, left home without my cell phone.  I have concluded that in the past six weeks I have really come to terms with being Retired.  Not Part-Time, not Semi-Retired, but really Retired. 

I arrived at that conclusion because I have, with increasing frequency, left home to run errands with Fran (or to do whatever) and left my cell phone at home in the charger and not realized it until we were way too far from the house to go back and get it.

Or maybe not even realized it until I got back home and saw it sitting there, charging.  Just a little slip  indicating a major internal shift toward being comfortable while being "out of touch."

The Armadillo Quilt Project

 Bedding companies should make quilts like the shell of an armadillo, i.e., with nine separate, segmental bands, which would run side-to-side (not head-to-foot).

Each side-to-side quilted band would have padded zippers running the length of each long border.

The nine quilted bands would be of different quilted weights, i.e., some heavier (more warmth protection), some lighter (less warmth protection), some intermediate, e.g.:

3 heavy weight

3 intermediate weight

3 light weight

There would be two additional, thin lengths, supplied with the quilt to cover the open zipper-ends at the head and the foot.

Users can "make their own" body-specific quilted coverage for the greatest night-time comfort.  Some will want light weight on the feet, heavy weight around the shoulders and intermediate in the middle.  Others may want the reverse.

The “HIGH-TECH” version of The Armadillo Quilt

Each of the nine horizontal bands would be electrified, like normal electric blankets are.  However, each group of three bands would have its own thermostat with Off, Low, Medium and High settings.   

The users could have their feet set on High, the center three bands Off and the top three bands (over the chest and shoulders) set on Medium … or any other combination the user desires.

The Wisdom of Simplicity

[John Houseman, Born: Jacques Haussmann, September 22, 1902 in Bucharest, Romania; Died: October 31, 1988 (age 86) in Malibu, CA, in the character of Mr. Wabash, DCI, he talks about his entry into the US intelligence field long ago]:

Mr. Wabash (talking to Higgins): "You seem perfect for it (the CIA) ..."
Higgins: "Thank you, sir."

Mr. Wabash: "Are you perfect for it, Mr. Higgins?"
Higgins: "I try to be."

Mr. Wabash: "We you recruited out of school?"
Higgins: "No, sir. The Company interview a few of us in Korea.
(compelled to flatter) You were with Mr. Donovan's OSS, weren't you, sir?"

Mr. Wabash: (smiles to remember): "I sailed the Adriatic with a movie star at the helm! It doesn't seem like much of a war now. But it was. (then says) ... I go even further back than that. Ten years after The Great War, as we used to call it. Before we knew enough to number them."
Higgins: "You miss that kind of action, sir?"

Mr. Wabash: "No ... I miss that kind of clarity."
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http://www.awesomefilm.com/script/ThreeDaysoftheCondor.pdf;
from movie script for "Three Days of the Condor," by Lorenzo Semple, Jr. and David Rayfiel. Ref: Revised draft, February 3, 1975 (Converted to PDF by ScreenTalk(tm), URL: www.screentalk.org
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Ref. also: Condorcet: "What happens at any particular moment [in this instance, to Mr. Wabash as he responds] is the result of what has happened at all previous moments, and itself has an influence on what will happen in the future."
http://www.humanistictexts.org/condorcet.htm

Paraphrased: We can see so far (into the past and the future) because we stand on the shoulders of all those who have come before us.

The Antithesis:
["There is no problem so simple that it cannot be made complex beyond understanding."]