Why Pro Sports Have Not Embraced Aquatic Mascots

In view of the sensitivity of Native Americans (vis-à-vis teams such as the Cleveland Indians, Washington Redskins, etc.) and other cultural and ethnic groups, we endeavored to formulate an alternative Team Naming System. 

The first phase of this exploration involves the substitution of marine - aquatic creature's names for the various pro sports teams. 

Future discussions may focus on alternative names based on Bugs, Birds or Reptile Designations.  Our first cut is outlined below:

Atlanta Anchovies

Baltimore Blowfish

Boston Blennies

Charlotte Shad

Chicago Shiners

Cincinnati Sea Bass

Dallas Damselfish

Denver Pikes

Detroit Dogfish

Houston Halibuts

Jacksonville Jewfish

Kansas City Catfish

Los Angeles Lungfish

Memphis Mulletts

Miami Mudpuppies

Minnesota Mackerels

New York Jetsam

New York Needlefish

Oakland Opahs

Orlando Octopi

Pittsburgh Pufferfish

Portland Porgies

San Francisco Flotsam

Seattle Salmon

St. Louis Scrod

Tampa Bay Toadfish

Utah Urchins

Washington Wrasses

Sports Writers might then be covering, as examples, the following contests:

     Baltimore Blowfish vs. Pittsburgh Pufferfish

     San Francisco Flotsam vs. New York Jetsam 

Headlines might read something like these:

     Baltimore Blows the Puffers Out of the Water

     Flotsam Sinks the Jetsam

     The Toadfish Prove that Utah Players really are Urchins

     NY Needles the Scrod in all-out Upset

     LA Lungfish Breath a Sigh after Near Loss to the Blennies

     Kansas City Catfish vs. Detroit Dogfish: “Fur was Really Flyin'!”

     Portland Porgies vs. Boston Basses: “Classic, four overtimes”

     LA Ladyfish vs. Damselfish: “Prim & proper, played like gurls.”

     Cinci Sea Squirts vs. BAL Blowfish: "Squirts Conquer big Fish"

     Houston: "HOU Loses: Halibut Was They Blew 21-point Lead!"

     Dallas: "Dallas Looked Like Damsels in Distress!"

     Atlanta Anchovies: "Anchovies Go Sour in 4th Quarter"

     Detroit: "Dogs' Bark Worse Than Bite in 27-point Loss"

Player-trades could include:

     "Three Urchins Traded for Flotsam QB"

     St. Louis & Chicago: "Scrod Get Two Shiners from Chicago"

     NY Needlefish & Oakland Opahs: "Needlefish Stick it to the Opahs"

We are continuing the pursuit of additional naming conventions and will post those in the near future.

Genius, Stupidity and The Infinite

From a genius (Albert Einstein) about being (or not being) one:

"... you all know the difference between genius & stupidity:

there is a limit to genius."
                                          Ref: http://www.quotedb.com/quotes/3834

"Only two things are infinite, the universe & human stupidity, 
and I'm not sure about the former."
                               Ref: http://www.quotedb.com/quotes/1349

"It's too bad that stupidity is not painful."
                                 Ref: Anon.

Freudian Slip as Indicator of Change

I never, I mean never, during all the time I was in active practice, left home without my cell phone.  I have concluded that in the past six weeks I have really come to terms with being Retired.  Not Part-Time, not Semi-Retired, but really Retired. 

I arrived at that conclusion because I have, with increasing frequency, left home to run errands with Fran (or to do whatever) and left my cell phone at home in the charger and not realized it until we were way too far from the house to go back and get it.

Or maybe not even realized it until I got back home and saw it sitting there, charging.  Just a little slip  indicating a major internal shift toward being comfortable while being "out of touch."

The Armadillo Quilt Project

 Bedding companies should make quilts like the shell of an armadillo, i.e., with nine separate, segmental bands, which would run side-to-side (not head-to-foot).

Each side-to-side quilted band would have padded zippers running the length of each long border.

The nine quilted bands would be of different quilted weights, i.e., some heavier (more warmth protection), some lighter (less warmth protection), some intermediate, e.g.:

3 heavy weight

3 intermediate weight

3 light weight

There would be two additional, thin lengths, supplied with the quilt to cover the open zipper-ends at the head and the foot.

Users can "make their own" body-specific quilted coverage for the greatest night-time comfort.  Some will want light weight on the feet, heavy weight around the shoulders and intermediate in the middle.  Others may want the reverse.

The “HIGH-TECH” version of The Armadillo Quilt

Each of the nine horizontal bands would be electrified, like normal electric blankets are.  However, each group of three bands would have its own thermostat with Off, Low, Medium and High settings.   

The users could have their feet set on High, the center three bands Off and the top three bands (over the chest and shoulders) set on Medium … or any other combination the user desires.

The Wisdom of Simplicity

[John Houseman, Born: Jacques Haussmann, September 22, 1902 in Bucharest, Romania; Died: October 31, 1988 (age 86) in Malibu, CA, in the character of Mr. Wabash, DCI, he talks about his entry into the US intelligence field long ago]:

Mr. Wabash (talking to Higgins): "You seem perfect for it (the CIA) ..."
Higgins: "Thank you, sir."

Mr. Wabash: "Are you perfect for it, Mr. Higgins?"
Higgins: "I try to be."

Mr. Wabash: "We you recruited out of school?"
Higgins: "No, sir. The Company interview a few of us in Korea.
(compelled to flatter) You were with Mr. Donovan's OSS, weren't you, sir?"

Mr. Wabash: (smiles to remember): "I sailed the Adriatic with a movie star at the helm! It doesn't seem like much of a war now. But it was. (then says) ... I go even further back than that. Ten years after The Great War, as we used to call it. Before we knew enough to number them."
Higgins: "You miss that kind of action, sir?"

Mr. Wabash: "No ... I miss that kind of clarity."
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http://www.awesomefilm.com/script/ThreeDaysoftheCondor.pdf;
from movie script for "Three Days of the Condor," by Lorenzo Semple, Jr. and David Rayfiel. Ref: Revised draft, February 3, 1975 (Converted to PDF by ScreenTalk(tm), URL: www.screentalk.org
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Ref. also: Condorcet: "What happens at any particular moment [in this instance, to Mr. Wabash as he responds] is the result of what has happened at all previous moments, and itself has an influence on what will happen in the future."
http://www.humanistictexts.org/condorcet.htm

Paraphrased: We can see so far (into the past and the future) because we stand on the shoulders of all those who have come before us.

The Antithesis:
["There is no problem so simple that it cannot be made complex beyond understanding."]

Bullet Holes in the Bombers

The B-25 and the Lieutenant who never got promoted: During "WW2," there were a number of quick and dirty tests devised by various Officers to categorize winners and losers. The psychiatrists, and I know one who actually did this, had to screen 100's of recruits a day for mental disorders. As each candidate came in, he would come out from behind his big desk, hair looking like Martin Short's character who has just “gone mental,” big, thick, black, horn-rimmed glasses push flat against his face to make his eyes look four times larger than real life. With a wet, slobbery, slurred speech he would get right in the guy's face and ask him just one question: “Have you ever had sex with an alligator?”

Depending upon the instantaneous response, verbal or otherwise, the poor guy would be categorized for life as cynical beyond recovery, compulsive, overly compliant, homophobic, depressed, psychotic, anti-social, perverted or fit for duty without psychiatric disease. It seemed to work. At least he said it did. I always wondered if anyone had ever answered "yes" to the question.

Back to the airplanes: A Major stationed at Bumpy-Dirt-Runway-near-Avon Airdrome and Mudpuddle in jolly old England devised a simple test to decide whether he would ever think twice about promoting a subordinate. The bomber squadrons were taking bad hits on their flights over Germany. They would send a full squadron out at night, and only 50 to 60 percent would return by morning. The Major would stand with his Lieutenant, awaiting the returning planes.

As the first one touched down, he handed the Lt. a clipboard and told him to draw a quick outline of each plane and indicate where he could see groups of bullet holes. After the last plane was down, the test began. All right, now, son. Take this red pencil and show me just exactly where we should beef up the armor plate on each of those planes. The Major's eyes normally glazed over with the first drawing, as the green Lt. made large, red circles around the most obvious groups of bullet holes.

For the ones he didn't like in the first place, he just walked away. For the few he thought might have a little promise in the distant future, with high-level, intensive training, he would slowly say, “No, boy, (pause), these are the planes that made it back. We're going to put more armor plate where there aren't any bullet holes.”

Reflecting on Slow Elevators

A department store owner was faced with numerous complaints about how slow the store elevators were. There were always five, and sometimes more, customers standing impatiently in the elevator hallway. It seemed like half of them were taking the elevators and the other half were always complaining. This occurred on a daily basis and reached a crescendo at the holiday season. Desperate to find a solution, he contacted one of the larger manufacturers and requested an in-store evaluation and quote on the cost of new, computerized elevators. His astonishment turned to frank depression when he saw the six-figure estimate for the least expensive solution.

Taking refuge in the 19^th hole at the local country club, he surrounded himself with friends in an attempt to, at the least, feel good about himself as he sensed the warmth of the camaraderie. As he bemoaned his plight, the town Cadillac dealer, an Ernest Hemmingway look-alike, allowed as how he could fix the problem for (quote) a whole lot less than six figures.

"In fact,” he said, “give me a set of keys to your store and I'll have my guys fix the problem by Monday morning. You don't even have to pay me if my solution doesn't work. Don't even ask, just let me have the store over the weekend. Now let's talk about something else.” Keys changed hands. The store owner was relieved and accepted the condition that he not enter his own premises until Monday opening and the conversation turned to the pesky 7^th fairway dog-leg.

On Monday, all thoughts of the elevators having slipped his mind for most of the day, the owner was startled to see that it was 3:15 in the afternoon and he had not had one elevator-related complaint. He practically dashed out to the elevator hallway and, when he rounded the corner, stopped in amazement. There were ten customers standing in front of the elevator doors, but no one seemed impatient or irritated. Then he saw why. The three elevator doors on each floor were flanked by 8-foot high, 3-foot wide mirrors … six mirrors per floor … into which the customers could gaze, admire themselves, straighten a tie, adjust a hem, smooth down their hair … in short, do everything but complain. That was three years ago and he has not considered an elevator upgrade since.